I’ve often heard that divorce is worse than death. In death, the other person is gone. But divorce means the ex is still around. Divorce is brought about by terrible circumstances. From adultery and unfaithfulness to a poor sex life and money problems, divorce leaves a wake of hurt and heartache. Friends choose sides and, if there are kids in the picture, the situation increases exponentially in complications, emotional trauma, and the risk of growing up in a home without a father or a mother. I was shocked to hear that statistics have shown that growing up in a dysfunctional home presents less risk to children than growing up in a home suffering the effects of divorce. Nobody wakes up one morning and thinks, “You know what would be great? Marrying somebody, having kids and then getting a divorce!” Nobody plans for it. But challenges that arise in marriage are either met with the tools and attitude to overcome, or with pride that drives a wedge between the couple. Suddenly, the need to be proven right takes priority and distance grows with an offense towards one another that eclipses the affection that once reigned in the home.
Nobody enters marriage an expert. Often, the issues mentioned above don’t spawn out of a lack of love, but a lack of grace. Marriage demands that we become something more. Marriage is powerful and, as the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility. Being quick to forgive, fast to affirm, and racing towards responsibility are all signs of grace. I want to give you three pillars that will ensure a blissful union with your spouse.
1. Communicate everything. And I mean everything!
When young and in love, words don’t speak as loud as the touch and the look in their eyes, right? Well, I have news for you. Marriage is more than countless hours of making love. Eventually, the sun comes up with new responsibilities. Jobs to work, bills to pay, laundry to wash, meals to cook, dishes to clean, and chores to do. Reality sets in as the routine of life together begins. There are a lot of items to discuss. From handling finances to exploring your dreams together, talk about it! Put the phone down at dinnertime and turn the television off. Make eye contact, talk, and constantly affirm each other. Approach each other with understanding and grace. Communicating isn’t just about talking, but listening too. I can hear all kinds of noises. The wind blowing, the cars passing on the road, and the dishwasher running are all sounds that I hear. But to listen means you pay attention. It will mean averting your eyes from the latest video you stumbled across on social media, looking your spouse in the eyes (not begrudgingly) and listen. Your spouse is NOT an interruption. They are your life, your love, and your priority!
2. Tackle your problems with good ole fashion conflict resolution!
What if, in the middle of your communicating, you reach a disagreement? It’s bound to happen. The question remains: How do you handle conflict? Some couples can sit down and hash it out. By the end of the conversation, they’ve reached a solution. Others need space and time. Each will take a moment alone to think, simmer down, and regroup, and reach a solution. It’s okay to take this course to calm down because saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment will only build momentum in the wrong direction. You and your spouse must purpose to hold your tongue when you feel the urge to snap with a quick word that risks hurting the other.
However you deal with conflict resolution, deal with it! Dealing with a problem doesn’t end by sweeping it under the rug with a quick, “I forgive you and love you and just want everything to go back to the way it was.” If you have problems that reoccur, it’s most likely that they haven’t been dealt with once and once for all. Sweeping it under the rug and saying, “I’m sorry,” may be a quick, temporal way to move on in the moment. But a tree can still live on if its branches are cut off. Until you get to the root of a problem, the issue will continue to live on. Yes, it might be miserable, perhaps even heartbreaking, as you deal with difficulties and conflict. But your marriage will come out on top of the other side when a solution is reached.
3. Dream together and take steps to accomplish your goals together.
One trait about my marriage to Jonathan is that we can always dream together. I can’t begin to tell you how many amazing adventures we’ve had since we’ve been married. From traveling to having kids to our occupations to starting and running a nonprofit, nothing has been done without discussing our vision and dreams. Our motto is and always will be from glory to glory. And there’s no sign of stopping! My husband has often said that he wants to be an instrument to provide and ensure that I go where God has called me. But the beautiful thing is that family is not just about the call of God on the wife or just about the call of God on the husband. It’s about the call of God on the couple as one. We have turned down opportunities to speak at conferences if it meant we couldn’t go together. We said it in our wedding vows and we stuck by it. We always go together. There is a notion that has been popularized by famous ministers and evangelists that leaving the family to “do God’s work” is a necessary sacrifice if we want to cover more ground in advancing the kingdom of God. What many of these ministers and evangelists have experienced in their home life is a sad reality. A broken home is not a noble sacrifice for the sake of “doing God’s work” because family is your first ministry. As we raise our kids, we’re raising them to know Christ’s love and His calling on their lives. And, excluding the occasional dinner and a movie date night, we always take them with us. They’re not a stumbling block to our dreams. They are a fulfillment of our dreams. They don’t make life burdensome. They make life more enjoyable. There might be dirty diapers along the way. But it doesn’t hinder the joy of family. During the transitional seasons of life, while you’re waiting and in a holding patter, do what you know to do. This may not come as news that makes you shout, “Wow!” But it is practical advice we’ve followed that has sustained as we move closer and closer to fulfilling our dreams together.